Dear people of the blog world…Hello
A few weeks ago while I was sitting in my room all bored at 3 am, I decided to read my old diaries (as lame or fantastic as it sounds to u…I happen to think its supper cool…JUST SAYING of course).
Anyways, while I was reading along random pieces…trying to figure out who I was and how much I changed & grew…I came across this piece I wrote over 3 years ago. A note I wrote just a day before my birthday…in an attempt to explain my feelings and thoughts about it all.
The surprising part was that as much as I grew up and kind of changed a lot somehow…I am still the same; or at least the situation is quite astonishingly familiar. It’s like am at a crossroads again and I can’t figure out where to go. And since this (the blog) is all about sharing experience, I wanted to share a piece of my mind back then; particularly this one I wrote on my birthday night in 2010.
Reading it made me realize that this younger self of mine had some advice to give me…it kind of snapped me back to reality. Actually, it felt like I wrote it somehow to my future self so I can read it several years later and realize that there is a lot more to life than just being afraid, than just a plan or a check list…
So, as you read along this note and not to confuse you any longer…know that no matter how old you get…it’s not too late; that no matter what challenge comes along…life will be patiently waiting for you on the other side…it’s not going anywhere, so don’t rush it.
For the experience, for the past, for everything I was and I am now…for life as it should be…not what the world set it to be…here is part of my diary:
I’ve been thinking for a while now about turning 22. The closer it gets the more I feel scared. I mean I am not afraid of growing up, I am just afraid of the number and what it holds with it. I’ve always wanted to graduate…to finally reach my goal, to head to the future as they say. But now that the future is that near…I can’t seem to decide on what I wanna do with it…and that is scary.
I am happy I kind of reached where I thought I would…took over what I set my mind up to; graduating and all. But then it hit me; where am I supposed to go now…what am I supposed to do with my life?
The thoughts are haunting me everywhere I go.
I’ve been keeping myself busy to run away from my own mind. I even stopped writing, because the moment I put it down on paper, it becomes so real. A reality I have to live with and do something about.
At first I thought i was just adjusting to the whole idea of growing up or graduating; but soon I realized it’s not that at all. It’s the fact that I’ve always had a plan, always worked for something…to reach somewhere; but now that am done with it all, I have no clue what to do or where to go.
I mean there are so many things I want to do, but not sure of any of them. The plan is simply not clear anymore. I am frustrated…I am losing control.
The moment I became free to pursue whatever I want…to plan my career…my life, I no longer knew what it is. Do I give up one dream to pursue the other….take risks…or do I have to play it safe…after all I just got started?
I know that life is going to unfold itself slowly…and I will have to take decisions…but I keep wondering what if I took the wrong one. What if I give up one dream for the other…what if I work hard for something that might not make me happy in the end?
Will there still be time to start over or will it be too late?
But after asking myself all these questions…going over and over each and every possibility I realized that the fact that I am facing myself…letting it all out, is actually a good start. I am not hiding…I won’t run away anymore…I am braver than that.
Now that am thinking about it…I feel like I have to wait and see…the voice in my head suddenly responded with “be patient”. Guidance will come sooner or later, this year will eventually pass and you will be headed somewhere…
After all it’s just the beginning…life goes on and I can’t freeze time just because am afraid of growing up or the future. My friend was actually right telling me the other day; life is about taking risks…if you never do, you will never know what is good for you and what is not.
I read this cheesy quote once that said “Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay…it’s not the end”, and it only made sense now.
In an attempt to let it out, I got my answer.
To a new year…Let it be